i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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