i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
