The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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