I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
