Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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