he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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