the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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