I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
