Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
