Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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