In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
