I think I am morally bankrupt
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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