I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
