I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
