don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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