whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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