How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
