I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
