Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
