I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
