Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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