I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
