I faked an abortion last night.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
