im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
