Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
