my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have feelings that need drinking.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
