You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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