I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
