So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
