Your face is a jimmy john
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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