I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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