i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think I sprained my soul last night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
