I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
