Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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