I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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