Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Drake has all the answers
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
