Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
