I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
