I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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