question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
