i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
