did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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