i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
