Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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