Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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