my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
