He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
