I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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