thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
