if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
