remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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