12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
