my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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