I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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